Strange little girl....

I should have started this yesterday. I suppose I can start with one of the two happier parts of my life. We all say that we have issues, that we have problems. I suppose its a matter of opinion, but perception is everything. Even if our perception isn't entirely reality, that doesn't matter, because our emotions are still valid. I'll go ahead and start with what i feel was the better part of my life/childhood. I would say that this was a time when my family was truly a family, despite our oddities and deceptions. If there was ever a time i would re-live, this is it. From our sunday best, to inside jokes about friday night shows like "are you afraid of the dark" and "beavis and butthead", this is my childhood home. It always will be home to me. 
                                                                    Hellertown, PA

Considering, i think this is a good place to start. Hellertown is on the eastern end of PA. A beautiful state if you ask me. I was born in 1987, the youngest of four girls. I love this house, always have. I guess you could say that we had a semi-normal routine. I mean what is normal anyway? I was young, so i don't remember too much, but i can tell you what i do know. We had a good time. My dad worked for Bethlehem Steel before it shut down. We had a nice pool in the backyard, and we would go swimming at night in the summer time. We had pizza on Friday nights with movies and friends. Every Sunday we would go to church, and walk to Judd's for penny candy. We were respected, the neighborhood thought highly of us. Coming to "the Jones house" was a big event i guess.I remember three main parts of what made life great at that time. My mom was a seamstress out of the house, and she would let me sit and watch her sew while i would pretend to do the same with cardboard sewing cutouts and yarn, while we listened to Raffi and talked. There are times when i still think about that and can hear it playing in my head. It makes me sad to think that we aren't as close as we used to be. There are alot of crazy circumstances that i wish were't there, but that's something different entirely. When my dad got home from work he would play badminton with me in the backyard or push me in the tire swing we had. I used to help him with raking the leaves as best as i could for an 8 year old. I've always been a daddy's girl, especially when i was little. We also have our differences, but those are mostly a difference in opinion. No matter what, i'll always be there for my dad as best i can be. I've made mistakes, done drugs, crashed cars, got pregnant at 19, etc etc.....so much for making him proud. At 24 years old, i still try to do things right, i just let my emotions get in the way. It may not seem like i try very hard, but i need to make sure that I am happy to. I love my dad. There's a saying "Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy". 

There was a woman named Mrs.Lydia (Lilian)Muschlitz who lived across the alley from us. Everyday after school i would go to her house and we would spend the whole afternoon together. We would make chicken noodle soup from scratch, and bake together. Sometimes her son Richard would come over with his wife Eleanor, and they would take me to the bakery with them. At the end of the night we would watch "wheel of fortune" and "Jeopardy", and either my mom or dad would get there at the beginning of the credits. It never failed, the exact time, every night, they would be at the door to get me. I think it was a relief to my parents in a way that i spent so much time with her. I have never spent much time with people my age. I didn't have many friends as a kid, because Lilian was my best friend. I learned so much from her, nothing that i could have learned from my peers. So i suppose it was better that i socialize with a mature adult than with a bunch of the wrong kids or not at all, right? I remember the teachers having to bribe me to go to recess, since i never wanted to go play with the other kids, i just wanted to spend more time with the adults than i did the rest of my classmates. So again, in a way i'm sure it was a relief that i was socializing with anyone at all, but at the same time i know it was concerning that i wasn't all that interested in making new friends my age. 
I recently took a trip back to PA, and i drove around a little, took some pictures, and time really does change everything. My little main street is now a main road, my old house is so different now, and there is a CVS across the street. My elementary school has been torn down, and there is a huge "fancy pants" school that now replaces it a block away from my childhood home.

 I didn't expect Lilian to live forever, but it made me sad to find out that she died the year i graduated. Which is only weird to me because her husband died the  year i was born. So its almost like i was meant to be a part of her life. I like to think that i made her happy for the time that i was there to keep her company. She used to sing " you are my sunshine" to me every night almost. We had her over for dinner once or twice, I was so proud of my "grown up best friend". It may seem odd to post a picture of a gravestone, but to me it makes her real for you and it is somewhat therapeutic for me to see it, so I know its true. I never really got a chance to grieve for her, because to me she never died. Its not so much denial (i wasn't there for it so it didn't happen right??) as much as she was such a big part of my life that i feel like she watches over me. I know, I know, cliche' and over rated. "they are watching over me". Its more like she helped make sure that i was the happy little girl I tried to keep being in Indiana. She helped mold me into the woman i am today, and i also hope that i would have made her proud. Now again, and i know i'm repeating myself, I've done some stupid stuff in my life, but I've also done some amazing things. I've written two books, I have an amazing daughter, I've had single works of mine published multiple times, and I've influenced so many people for the better. You people know who you are. So I'm hoping that in the end, I will be a better person, and be able to face some of my demons head on by writing "my story".Actually dealing with some of the worst times I've ever had will help me grow, and just maybe answer some of my own questions as to why i am the way i am, and what happened to that happy little girl on main street. She's still in there somewhere, its just going to take the right person to find her, and hopefully, help her find herself.